What I am giving up for Lent.

Apparently it is Lent. And people give shit up for Lent.

Isn’t that the whole point of Pancake Tuesday? You know using up the good stuff so you can lose a few kilos before gorging on chocolate that the bunny brings you can like, suffer. Like a good Catholic or somesuch.

Hang on I am not Catholic. Um. I don’t actually know what I am. Shit, I hope I am not a Scientologist, cause I don’t want no seven degrees of separation from the freaky alien that calls himself Tom.

But apparently he is handy around a traffic accident. Or a splinter.

Hang on. I will ring my mother and find out what the fuck I am.

Talk amongst yourselves. As long as it is about me. GOOD stuff about me…..

OK, I am back. My ear is bleeding from the ranting and raving and ‘you only call when you want something, I could be dead on the floor and you wouldn’t know’ shit. Yes I would know. First, you wouldn’t answer the phone. And second, my dad would turn up with a hooker on his arm.

Apparently I am Church Of England. Hope there are no rules on being a whatever-they-are-called cause I am up shit creek, cause I ain’t done nuffin’. But at least I am not part of the Tom brigade. Phew. Cause I suck when it comes to blood. And I drove past a traffic accident the other day. There were a heap of police cars and ambulances so I am sure I couldn’t have been of assistance.

Even if I was the only one that could do anything.

OK. So I will give up the following for Lent and hopefully the Easter Bunny will fill my bathtub with Clinkers.

1. Noogies. No grabbing my kids or random strangers and rubbing my fist in their hair. Even if they are asking for it.

2. Same goes for sneaking up on my kids and pinching their arses. Even if it is MY arse, cause I made it and therefore I can pinch it all I want. Even in the middle of Safeway or school assembly. I will give them a reprieve while it is Lenting.

3. Watching Neighbours. I don’t actually watch Neighbours anyway, but I have to have something that is a shoe in.

4. Punching MPS in the janglies when he is snoring in my ear. I will purchase ear plugs. Or bite him. But no punching.

5. I will refrain from calling out ’slippers!!!’ or freaking out when I see someone wearing Ugg Boots. Even if they are freaking slippers and you shouldn’t wear the things out of the house. Or in my ideal world, at all.

6. I will give up making effigies of my neighbour and his freaking step son that spend the whole fucking day riding up and down, up and freaking down, their back yard on a motorbike. Every. Single. Day. Cause it ain’t working anyway. They have not burst into flames. And my arm is getting sore from holding the video camera in the hopes of winning something on Funniest Home Videos.

7. I will endeavour to abstain from wishing basketball sized, weeping pus, whiskered haemorrhoid’s on people that piss me off. At least until I buy shares in the haemorrhoid cream company. I mean, until the Lent thang is over.

And finally I will resist flipping the bird to every fucker on the road that doesn’t obey the road rules. Or is driving one of those stupid hotted up Kia’s. Freaking idiots. Souping up a girly car makes your penis smaller. It is a fact, dickhead. But I won’t flip you the bird during Lent. But afterwards all bets are off.

Man. This is gunna be hard. That is some serious shit I am giving up all in the name of some dude wandering around in the desert. Betcha he wasn’t so freaking hard on himself.

But then again he didn’t have PMS to deal with. Three weeks a month.