Single and ready to mingle.

Not really. I mean yes, I’m single now, but not so ready to mingle. I just have always thought that saying was amusing. When else do you get to use the word ‘mingle’ or any of its variations? Never, that’s when. So I use it when I can.

I love this boy, absolutely. He has my heart. As much of it as I am able to relinquish at least. He is sweet and funny and cute and passionate and loyal and giving and amazing and this and that. So much so that this relationship is so uneventful and easy that it’s boring. I have dreamt of marrying him, of living a long forever with his arms around my waist. I can think of no one better to raise my girls with, to set an example for what a man, a lover, a friend, a step-father should be, but…I don’t know.

We broke up over the weekend. It caught everyone off guard because it was a choice I made alone, without reaching to anyone for support or advice. I needed to be sure that it was all me – all my choice. It’s so easy to listen to others when you’re unsure about something; you end up doing what you think you should do rather than what you really should, which usually turns out being what ‘makes sense’ or what others suggest.

Something’s not right and that something is me. I can’t quite figure out where my head is but I know it’s not where it should be. Much of the time lately I haven’t wanted anything to do with him. I am an extremely difficult person to handle in a relationship, for many reasons. I blow hot and cold. I’m impossible to please. I can be very cutting when I’m angry or frustrated (and as sensitive and emotional as he is, that’s a terrible thing). I only communicate when I want to. I could go on. For a while now, sucking’s pretty much all I’m capable of in this, and I don’t want to be that way. I need be out of this. Get my shit together, figure out whether I even want to do this anymore.

I’m confused right now, but certain that I need to be alone. He won’t let me go and it’s making this harder. He wants me to tell him that it’s over forever and I feel like I can’t because I don’t know, but I do know that he won’t stop waiting for me unless I say it’s hopeless. I’m not sure if that’s unfair of me or him. I don’t want him to wait. I tell him yes! this is forever! final! but he doesn’t listen. I tell him I’m not sure. I don’t know. and he takes that to mean that I’m not serious.

He brings up the girls, how much they all love each other, how he wishes they were his, how they’ve accepted him as a father figure in some ways and it makes me so mad. They have nothing to do with this decision, it feels like he’s using them as a ploy. If I was making this choice based on what they wanted, I’d stay with him. They love him, and how can they not? He tells me I don’t know how much he loves me, how it isn’t fair for me to do this to him again and I tell him it’s not about him. This is about me. Not them, not him, me.

This past year has been wonderful. I have been happier than I have been in so long. I am still happy: my happiness isn’t contingent on this relationship although this relationship has brought me much of it. I’m not sad about this being over. I know the polite thing to do when hearing this sort of news is to offer condolences, but they really aren’t required, or wanted. For me at least: I can’t speak for him. It might seem cold, but really it’s not. I’m feeling quite a bit, but I think it’s a good thing, mostly because it’s necessary, no matter what the eventual outcome is. It’s fine.

I’m sure this post is incoherent, but that’s just where I’m at. In summation, Joey and I have broken up but the finality of it has yet to be decided. For the next while I’ll try to figure that out. We’ll see how it goes.

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