Nowhere Fast.

I’m the most indecisive person I know. I used to consider it a blaring sign of immaturity but as time goes on and as I grow older I realize that it’s probably just who I am as a person and has little to do with maturity. I hate it and I’m continuously frustrating myself (and others). It affects relationships, jobs, parenting and just life in general. I talked a little bit about it here (see #2). María = walking contradiction.

I think my best friend is really the only person that totally gets it. She supports me in all of my wishy washiness, and is never least bit surprised when I contradict myself. She tells me – well, everyone tells me – that I overthink everything. I will talk her ear off about all of the possible things that could go wrong or right with various decisions. I will talk myself into and out of something every fifteen minutes. When she suggests a new alternative, I’ll delve into all those potential outcomes as well. I infuriate her, I’m sure, but she just laughs: there’s not much else the poor woman can do. I’m an overthinker.

To an unimaginable degree. That’s where the indecision comes from: I analyze every single detail of every single thing. I can’t help it, but I have no idea where it comes from. It’s always been a part of who I am. My grandmother used to pick my clothes out for me every day because I could never decide and she shopped for me up until my teenage years because I was impossible. In school I’d stand in the back of the lunch line every day because I couldn’t decide which of the two crappy choices were best.

Today, I refuse to decide on restaurants. I’ll help narrow it down but usually I can’t handle it. Too much pressure! I take forever with menus, ask whoever is eating with me what they’re getting and what I should get and usually always quietly regret the meal I chose. Clothes are easier now, since I just usually wear t-shirts and jeans.

I see so many movies because unlike some that can choose what to be excited about seeing, I have to see everything! Every movie coming out looks like something I want to see, so I do. I have an expansive music collection and my favorite artist changes every other week. I’m currently reading three different books. All at once, because I couldn’t decide which one to read first.

Joey, geeze, as often as I’ve said and written that he’s absolutely perfect, and how much I love him, and how great our relationship is, it’s been extremely difficult for me to just be in this. I’ve always been clear that it’s totally me and my inner workings being wonky, and has very little do with him. That particular aspect of my indecision is not really so hard for me to figure out: I was in a really bad relationship for a long time, but there was a point that I was happy in it. I won’t do it again and because I’m so adamant about that whenever I’m not feeling wonderful, enter the self doubting and…yeah.

In December 2004 J. tried to get me to have another baby. I refused. I had every reason in the world why we shouldn’t do it, and convinced him that I was right. We conceived Rosario about a month later. I decided to have a tubal ligation after she was born simply because I knew that if I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t hold fast to my decision of stopping at two children. Now I have baby fever something crazy and I’m considering having it reversed.

That little short story blog meme thing I wrote a while ago was called “Indecisive”. My hair has been blonde, red, short, long, curly, straight, and right now I have an undercut. My septum piercing is the longest visible piercing I’ve ever had – and I’ve had over a dozen, not counting my ears. I’m stretching my ears for the second time. I’m redecorating the girls’ room but it’s taking forever because I can’t decide on the dresser I want, or wall color for sure. I used to be vegetarian and I contemplate going back to it at least once per week. My content of my Tumblr is drastically different from what it was in the beginning, or even a year ago. The content of this blog as well, now that I think about it – or at least the way I present it. I used to love me some Joaquin Phoenix and Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. They’ve been replaced by Ryan Gosling and Jake Gyllenhaal. And Benny Feilhaber is gunning for Jake’s place right now. That bad habit of mine – procrastination? It’s because I don’t like making decisions.

Of course I am steadfast in some things, like my beliefs and morals and what not. And my favorite Beatle (Paul). I’d like to say it balances out but it doesn’t. I am impossible, but let’s just say that’s part of my charm.

My life is never uninteresting, no matter how boring it is. I see to that.

Categories: