I have lead a sheltered life.

Last night I was edu-ma-cated.

In the horror that is the douche bag.

Was minding my own business, having a little break from the monotony that is the life of a mother of 3 lazy fucking bloodsuckers children and wandered over to Boobs, Injuries and Dr Pepper.

And was shocked and horrified and laughed so much I peed a little. Probably requiring the services of said douche bag.

I am not totally sheltered. I have heard of douches. Just didn’t realise that they came in the handy bag version.

That apparently mothers hung from their showers. And small children tried to blow them up like balloons.

I will wait a minute for that visual to burn into your mind and come back to haunt you at the most inopportune time. Like parent teacher conferences or in line at the supermarket. Or during your next Pap Smear.

So I went to google images.

And to add more horror to the situation, the very first thing that came to mind was ‘I could make that’

Yeah. I did. Shit, I am warped. But frugal! Yay me! And what the fuck?

I blame my mother. The ultimate sheltered woman.

We were out shopping one day and I had to buy some tampons. While I was perusing the selections – pretty box, super-sized, ribbed for her pleasure – Mum whispered to me:

‘How to you go to the toilet when you have one of those things, um, you know, in?’


‘Well you must go through a lot of them, and that is such a waste of money, having to take it out every time you need to go to the toilet. Or do they soak up that as well’

‘Um, what? What do you mean?’ Slow on the uptake here.

‘Shit Kelley, do they soak up the wee as well?’ she stares at me frustrated at my lack of comprehension.

The penny drops. As does my jaw.

‘Mum, you realise that there are three holes down there don’t you?’

‘Don’t be stupid Kelley. Sheesh!’

I suppress the urge to burst into fits of school girl giggles and tell her I am in a hurry, can we discuss this in the car.

So in the carpark of Safeway, on a Wednesday afternoon, I educated my, then 50 year old mother, on the female anatomy.

Not a conversation I expected to have. Will have to have a chat about the Easter Bunny soon methinks.