It’s official. I am old.
I am an old person. Need to start shopping in the old ladies underwear section. Big, brown, neck to knee babies.
* The other day I paid for the pain of a zygote ripping the hair out of my eyebrows. I inquired whether I need to have my lady mo done. She LIFTED UP MY FUCKING CHEEK and said no.
Oh the humiliation. Now I just walk around with a strong fan blowing directly on my face like a dog out the passenger side window…..
* I made that ‘ooff’ sound while getting out of my chair.
* Last night while out to dinner the lovely waitress looked at me.
‘I know you!’ she squealed
‘Really? Where from?’ I replied, I don’t recognise this woman.
‘I used to play at your house when I was little!’ she squealed again.
What The Fuck?
‘Excuse me?’ I picked my jaw up out of my second glass of wine and tried to find the best possible lighting to ensure maximum youthfulness.
‘I was friends with M’s daughter and we used to come over all the time. Your girls were only little, I pretty sure Too was a baby’ I think she added the last part because of the look of horror and devastation on my face. (M was a woman that MPS worked with.)
‘Oh, right.’ I mumbled ‘Um, how old are you?’
Fuck me dead I am old. I had two kids at her age.
* My daughter is 16. This year she will be 17. The age I was when I met her father.
* I contemplated plunging my face into ice water a la Joan Crawford. And getting rid of those freaking wire hangers.
* On the radio was one of the songs my girlfriends and I loved when we used to go clubbing. Pump Up the Jam. Then the announcer said ‘Wow, that is an old song’ and I stopped dancing. And apparently the fucking Crazy Frog has done a version. I have died a little inside.
and finally, the last nail in the coffin of my youth?
A chick I went to school with is a grandmother. A fucking GRANDMOTHER! True, she was a year ahead of me and had a kid in high school.
But her kid had a kid and that makes me old.