All I want for my birthday is the world to explode. Or implode. Or Hulk hands.

So how do you ensure the Best Birthday Ever?

  • Some mad scientists doing some freaking AWESOME experiment that has the tiniest chance of blowing up (or blowing in, yeah whatevz, I never said I was no intellectual) the world or causing a black hole to form or things to go boom.
  • Make your mother take you shopping for something like a billion hours and STILL not know what you want and have said mother go waaaaaaaay over budget to try and find something to make you happy.
  • Accidentally on purpose forget to give your mother your school report – from a WEEK ago – until your birthday morning when she can’t rip you a new arse and has to suck up the feelings of rage so you can feel all smug like.  But learn your lesson to NOT let you mother stew with rage for a day or she will make you PAY big time the following day…
  • Ask for a special breakfast of croissants.  And then get a French lesson from your brother with the American accent, cause apparently he is a French Israeli.
  • Get a kick arse new phone, with a butt load of credit AND a Hulk costume including Hulk Hands.  Cause the Hulk fucking rocks.
  • Your mother spends all freaking day making handmade truffles and a birthday cake.
  • Request Chinese takeaway for dinner whilst in the midst of frustrating your parents with ‘I dunno’ as a fucking present and they will do ANYTHING to make your birthday happy.  Even though your Awesome Mummy hates it and your brother can’t eat it and it costs an arm and a leg (cause I sold my kidneys earlier to by fuel and send something to Tanis, wish those fuckers grew back like fingernails or something) and your best friend invites himself over for dinner and then goes ahead and orders the most expensive shit on the menu…
  • Instead of getting off key Happy Birthday sung before cake cutting, get an impromptu serenade from your brother of New York New York – rap style and then ‘Are you gunna be my girl’ by Jet while he lays on his funky dance moves.
  • And then disappear to your room and fall asleep full of Chinese food and chocolate cake.

Pretty awesome birthday if you ask me.