Give up your seat on the bus for the old lady.

It’s official. I am old. I am an old person. Need to start shopping in the old ladies underwear section. Big, brown, neck to knee babies. *     The other day I paid for the pain of a zygote ripping the hair out of my eyebrows. I inquired whether I need to have my lady mo done. She LIFTED UP MY FUCKING CHEEK and said no. Oh the humiliation. Now I just walk around with a strong fan blowing directly on my face like a dog out the passenger side window….. *     I made that ‘ooff’ sound while …

How To Be The Meanest Mom EVER

Eirinn has this thing she wants to do. This thing will require me driving her places and taking time out of my evening and Avery will be jealous. It’s a privilege, is what it is, and in order to deserve these privileges, kids should behave in a certain way. Listen to their parents, be nice to their siblings, tidy their messes. NOT melt into a pile of raging jellyfish at the mere suggestion she pick up the Barbie carpet that they worked two days on laying in the playroom. NOT morph into a 15-year old ‘tude monster when I …