I need a secretary.

hmmmm, that would be fabulous. Someone to wander around behind me, peeling me grapes and making me coffee. And organising my life. I have been so busy lately. Things are slipping. The other day I forgot to make my bed. Man that pissed me off, cause I always make my bed. That freaking Flylady has got a lot to answer for in that respect. And those people that resemble me still keep asking for food and clean clothes and for me to drive them places, unpaid mind you, and shit. Sheesh. Really cutting into my sitting on my arse …

Boo’s homework.

New teacher. New expectations. New person to train in all things Boo. Our first hurdle. Homework. Boo has another diagnosis of Hyperlexia. Basically he could read before he could speak. And he can read any word. AND spell it. He had the kids at Too’s birthday party in shock, when at 2, he spelt Nickelodeon backwards on the wall. And he has memorised Pi to the 30th power or somesuch. And knows the periodic table. And of course every single freaking font. His IQ is off the scales. But he can’t wipe his own arse. Or hold a conversation. …

I have lead a sheltered life.

Last night I was edu-ma-cated. In the horror that is the douche bag. Was minding my own business, having a little break from the monotony that is the life of a mother of 3 lazy fucking bloodsuckers children and wandered over to Boobs, Injuries and Dr Pepper. And was shocked and horrified and laughed so much I peed a little. Probably requiring the services of said douche bag. I am not totally sheltered. I have heard of douches. Just didn’t realise that they came in the handy bag version. That apparently mothers hung from their showers. And small children …

Happy Valentines Day <3

Or not. Meh. I am usually so meh about this ‘holiday’. MPS, not known for his romantic skillz, usually forgets. Even when he was reading the freaking ads and doing outside broadcasts at flower shops. ‘Sorry honey, I forgot’ Yeah, whatever. So this morning I needed heart massage was pleasantly surprised when MPS presented me with a latte in bed. Complete with heart design. Good thing I was in bed. Cause the fall would have hurt. Then as he was walking out the door he called out: ‘I bought you a gift! It is on the kitchen bench. I …

Give up your seat on the bus for the old lady.

It’s official. I am old. I am an old person. Need to start shopping in the old ladies underwear section. Big, brown, neck to knee babies. *     The other day I paid for the pain of a zygote ripping the hair out of my eyebrows. I inquired whether I need to have my lady mo done. She LIFTED UP MY FUCKING CHEEK and said no. Oh the humiliation. Now I just walk around with a strong fan blowing directly on my face like a dog out the passenger side window….. *     I made that ‘ooff’ sound while …

How To Be The Meanest Mom EVER

Eirinn has this thing she wants to do. This thing will require me driving her places and taking time out of my evening and Avery will be jealous. It’s a privilege, is what it is, and in order to deserve these privileges, kids should behave in a certain way. Listen to their parents, be nice to their siblings, tidy their messes. NOT melt into a pile of raging jellyfish at the mere suggestion she pick up the Barbie carpet that they worked two days on laying in the playroom. NOT morph into a 15-year old ‘tude monster when I …